Sometimes you don’t need words

It was a beautiful day. Perfect for the beach. She was soaking sun and giggling at the book in hand.
“Can you pass me the sunscreen?”, he said.
She did and went back to her book.
An hour later.
“Can I have some soda?”, she asked.
He obliged and went back to his book.

Soon, it was evening, too dark to read. They got up, brushed sand off their bodies, dressed and packed up.
“It was the best date ever.”, she exclaimed.
“Yes, we should do it again soon”, he agreed.

6 months later, they married.

And there goes another good man

If you have any gay friends or have been online enough, you know all about Grindr. I did hear that there was a hetero version of this app called Blendr. Pretty much figured it for random hook-ups, so never bothered to learn anything else. Then I read a blogpost in morning (link once I relocate it) which mentioned Blendr being used by a couple to meet. Interesting, only caveat was that there was lot of underwear pics exchange and of course, sex on first date.
That worries me. It’s hard enough to find decent man out there. (OK, Not that hard. But very hard if you want your Mr. Right). Now I have to compete with women who probably had awesome bodies and are comfortable enough to pose in their lacy underwear. And what about looking for long-term relationships? If I really wanted a hook-up, my neighborhood bar provides enough options. Hell, it even provides promises of wining and dining.
Maybe it’s the Indian me who finds soliciting sex via an app little uncomfortable? What do you think? Is it just me being prude and such apps do need to exist?

Just another Valentine’s Day

When I left India, There were plans about February. It was supposed to be my happy ending month. This Valentine was supposed to mean something. But as it is with life, Things change, plan change and then you move one.
I saw someone crying on street today. And was glad it wasn’t me. God knows, I’ve been that girl from past few days. Lashing out at people. Being angry, spiteful, teary-eyed. But today I woke up with a clear head and realized I’m in a right place. So what if plan changed? It’s for my own good. It probably means I’m going to have a better happy ending. I envision myself surrounded by books and fishes in a really big house, which is stocked with dark chocolates and ice-creams. Better, isn’t it?
So, while I do feel little sad and wish my best friend was here, so I could cry at her shoulder, I’m now trying to make amends with people I’ve hurt in past week. Cheering them up. And hoping everyone goes to bed with a smile tonight.

Lies and more lies

She waited for him fiddling with her dress, practicing the words in her head. Today is the day she will tell him. He arrived, happy to see her, ready to take her away from everyone. She tried to get words out, But his kiss wouldn’t let her. Defeated, with a sigh, she slid in to the car seat. She listened to him talk about his work day. She nodded and agreed at the right points. They reached the destination. He had decided to show her the town. Doesn’t matter if she has seen it before.
He took her to lunch, followed by her favorite desserts. She kept that smile on her face. They walked on the beach. Hand in hand. His arms engulfed her. She felt like a cheat.
From a balcony above, a guy stared at her. She moved to another corner. Those eyes still followed her. They pierced her soul and knew the game she was playing. He knew her lies and he could see through the fake smile. She ignored him and smiled at the man on her arm. He leaned in for a kiss. She let him. And then just like that, she couldn’t take it anymore. “Take me home”, she pleaded. Puzzled, he complied.
Through the way back, she babbled unable to forget those eyes. And just like that, they were home. She cursed herself for not saying the words. She had practiced enough, after all.
She went inside. “I have a headache. I’m going to bed now.” “Ok. I’ll be there in few minutes”

No, I don’t want to remember

You know how sometimes a random thought or memory just hits you in the gut. Like it wants to burst forth. No matter what you were doing, you are seized by this memory and transported to another time. It goes away in a while, leaving you in present, hugging yourself, trying to brave out the pain. What do you do when that happens?
Here I was, enjoying my Sunday, reading latest Murakami and all of a sudden I was reminded of something very precious to me. Why and how, I don’t understand. I just want this memory to go away.
Our brains are such brilliant things. They retain the information they need and block out the rest. One of the things that I’m really good at is Blocking memories. Oh yes, I do remember the past and I do cry over it. But anything which is stronger than my tears is blocked. For e.g. Inappropriate touches that I faced as a child are a distant memory. They come back once in a while, but most of the times I don’t remember any of it. Teenage issues with my family. Nothing. I know there was something, but I can never reach it. Which is good in a way. I know one should remember the past to learn from it. But why remember anything that traumatizes you. No wonder I always get alcohol amnesia and sometimes even medicinal one.
Similarly I think I did block out most of my relationship with A. More from self-preservation point of view. Breaking up and being in new city was painful enough, had I remembered everything, I can imagine myself doing something crazy. So while I miss those few days we had, I have conveniently omitted lot of stuff from them. Imagine my surprise and pain, when I remembered that he holds my most precious souvenir from travels. Of course, I did gift it to him. Of course, I have no right to even mention it. Of course, it’s not like I don’t have any of his stuff. But, It’s just one of those things. I always kept it close, waiting for the day I will have my own house and have it on display. Even, by gifting it to him, in my twisted mind, I was just changing its residence for few months. After all, once we get our happy ending, everything would be ours together. Then, things went haywire and I never thought about it, til today. Which makes me sad and wistful and bit angry. And I really need to yell. Or maybe lose myself in something or someone.
I’m trying to be strong this time. Not give in to the pain. If I can’t manage it, there are always pills to rely on.

Older, but not Wiser

Another year gone by. And what a year it was. From Heartbreaks to life changes, it had everything in it. I live such a soap-opera life.
Here’s a recap:
– I moved to a new continent.
– I’m back in school.
– Boy broke my heart. yet again. And in million pieces. You would think by now I will be wiser to it.
– Personal crisis in family. We are still coming to terms with it.
– Knee problem is finally diagnosed. And while I go through the pain each week, It does mean less ankle/leg mishaps in long run.
– I now have an enviable collection of OPI nail paints. (One girlie point has to be there)
– I also belong to apple slave category now. Phone, Laptop, iPod – yup they got me. One shiny gadget at a time.

And to top it all, few hours before my birthday I met Neil Gaiman. He not only signed my books and let me have a pic with him, he also liked my T-shirt and wrote Happy Birthday on one book. How awesome is that?

I’m still in fangirl heaven and it’s been 2 days :))

There were disappointments, of course. But I think at the start of new year, I’ll just ignore them or forget them if I can.

Here’s to me. Hopefully, one day I’ll be wiser.

Crazy little thing called Love

Love is hard. Not because it involves kissing 100 frogs before you find your prince. Or because most of the times, that prince is already with his princess or likes princes rather than princesses. But because it always involves pain.
Not just when it ends. But even when you are with the person you are in love with. Every emotion is so intensified that silly things hurt you. Like a call not returned. A cancelled date. If it’s a normal relationship, you’ll take them in stride. But when in love, you always jump to worst conclusions. No wonder, one of the two start acting like a neurotic person.
And god forbid, if it ends. It’s as if someone just pierced your heart with a stake. over and over again. You see a happy couple and you burst in tears. You are watching a movie and you burst in tears. You become the person to be avoided. Your friends are scared to tell you about their new relationships.
And cause of all this is love.
So be careful when you fall in love. Retain some sense. Be careful that you are not being the neurotic of two. Trust in each other and in fate. If you belong together, you’ll end up together.

Sappy sad me

I miss you
I miss being held by you
I miss your smile and your teasing
Most of all, I miss the moments we spent together.

I know it’s hard
And that I’ve to be strong
I hold on to the thought that it’ll soon be over
One day we’ll be back together.

I hope you feel the same
the faith in us is there too
you also wait and pine for me
and believe that love does conquer it all.

Words and laughter

When we met, We parried with words day and night
That’s what got us closer
made me charming to you, and you to me.

Now that we have been together so long,
we still parry with words
but the laughter is gone from them
it’s what I hate about you, you about me.

Where did we lose the laughter?
Did you notice?
Was it when I ignored you for days
or was it when you forgot me in nights…

How do we go on without it?
Do you know?
Can you tell me?
And will you notice when I’m gone?
I don’t know if I will.

New relationship or still in Old one?

Have you noticed how we remember people by specific instances? Sometimes good, sometimes bad.
e.g Most people will only remember bad things about their ex. Or only good things about old friends who somehow got lost with time..
Why is it so hard to be objective about past? Why do we always need to be judgmental about it?
And even if we are being judgmental, why can’t we ever let go of it?
Each time one gets into a new relationship, the expectations are derived from the old one. Good things that last guy did, sets the bar for new guy. Bad things makes you wary of similar habits in new guy. Poor new guy, most of the time he doesn’t have a chance.
Why is it that we forget to let go of this baggage before jumping into anything new?

So each time, you do something nice for me, I’m comparing you to the guy who did more..
Each time you ignore me, I’m comparing you to the one who hurt me..
Each time you make a promise to me, I think of the broken ones.
Don’t blame yourself, you never stood a chance.
For I was already out, even before I got in..