No, I don’t want to remember
February 5, 2012 § 2 Comments
You know how sometimes a random thought or memory just hits you in the gut. Like it wants to burst forth. No matter what you were doing, you are seized by this memory and transported to another time. It goes away in a while, leaving you in present, hugging yourself, trying to brave out the pain. What do you do when that happens?
Here I was, enjoying my Sunday, reading latest Murakami and all of a sudden I was reminded of something very precious to me. Why and how, I don’t understand. I just want this memory to go away.
Our brains are such brilliant things. They retain the information they need and block out the rest. One of the things that I’m really good at is Blocking memories. Oh yes, I do remember the past and I do cry over it. But anything which is stronger than my tears is blocked. For e.g. Inappropriate touches that I faced as a child are a distant memory. They come back once in a while, but most of the times I don’t remember any of it. Teenage issues with my family. Nothing. I know there was something, but I can never reach it. Which is good in a way. I know one should remember the past to learn from it. But why remember anything that traumatizes you. No wonder I always get alcohol amnesia and sometimes even medicinal one.
Similarly I think I did block out most of my relationship with A. More from self-preservation point of view. Breaking up and being in new city was painful enough, had I remembered everything, I can imagine myself doing something crazy. So while I miss those few days we had, I have conveniently omitted lot of stuff from them. Imagine my surprise and pain, when I remembered that he holds my most precious souvenir from travels. Of course, I did gift it to him. Of course, I have no right to even mention it. Of course, it’s not like I don’t have any of his stuff. But, It’s just one of those things. I always kept it close, waiting for the day I will have my own house and have it on display. Even, by gifting it to him, in my twisted mind, I was just changing its residence for few months. After all, once we get our happy ending, everything would be ours together. Then, things went haywire and I never thought about it, til today. Which makes me sad and wistful and bit angry. And I really need to yell. Or maybe lose myself in something or someone.
I’m trying to be strong this time. Not give in to the pain. If I can’t manage it, there are always pills to rely on.