No, I don’t want to remember

February 5, 2012 § 2 Comments

You know how sometimes a random thought or memory just hits you in the gut. Like it wants to burst forth. No matter what you were doing, you are seized by this memory and transported to another time. It goes away in a while, leaving you in present, hugging yourself, trying to brave out the pain. What do you do when that happens?
Here I was, enjoying my Sunday, reading latest Murakami and all of a sudden I was reminded of something very precious to me. Why and how, I don’t understand. I just want this memory to go away.
Our brains are such brilliant things. They retain the information they need and block out the rest. One of the things that I’m really good at is Blocking memories. Oh yes, I do remember the past and I do cry over it. But anything which is stronger than my tears is blocked. For e.g. Inappropriate touches that I faced as a child are a distant memory. They come back once in a while, but most of the times I don’t remember any of it. Teenage issues with my family. Nothing. I know there was something, but I can never reach it. Which is good in a way. I know one should remember the past to learn from it. But why remember anything that traumatizes you. No wonder I always get alcohol amnesia and sometimes even medicinal one.
Similarly I think I did block out most of my relationship with A. More from self-preservation point of view. Breaking up and being in new city was painful enough, had I remembered everything, I can imagine myself doing something crazy. So while I miss those few days we had, I have conveniently omitted lot of stuff from them. Imagine my surprise and pain, when I remembered that he holds my most precious souvenir from travels. Of course, I did gift it to him. Of course, I have no right to even mention it. Of course, it’s not like I don’t have any of his stuff. But, It’s just one of those things. I always kept it close, waiting for the day I will have my own house and have it on display. Even, by gifting it to him, in my twisted mind, I was just changing its residence for few months. After all, once we get our happy ending, everything would be ours together. Then, things went haywire and I never thought about it, til today. Which makes me sad and wistful and bit angry. And I really need to yell. Or maybe lose myself in something or someone.
I’m trying to be strong this time. Not give in to the pain. If I can’t manage it, there are always pills to rely on.

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Just another Day

December 1, 2011 § 5 Comments

All in a Day-
Queensland passed legislation for civil Unions. A great day for Equal Rights.
Afganistan punishing women for trying to avoid Domestic Violence. A defeat for Humanity.
India discarding safety and still going ahead with Nuclear plans. Another nail in the coffin of environment and people.
And me, wondering when will this all end?

And then a fleeting memory of me arguing passionately about some issue like this and you teasing me with same passion about being wrong.

Some days are just too long.

Glorified Past

August 11, 2010 § Leave a comment

Today I received an interesting mail. A friend is planning to write a book on our school days. (Yes, I hear you. I kept talking about writing and haven’t even got past 1st chapter. I should learn something. But I digress.) So while thinking about school memories, I realized, we have glorified most of it. It was a normal childhood (ok, adolescent years), but whenever we reminisce, you would think we were the only ones having fun or with good friends. I’m sure we had our share of issues but somehow it’s all faded away. However, the hurt on the other hand seems so much better now.

While I believed my first heart break would kill me,
I’m still sitting here, typing away,
breaking few hearts on the way.
There are things I have forgotten, misdeeds I did.
There are people I can’t remember.
I’m sure it’s because they didn’t matter.
And there are friends with whom I still watch blockbuster movies.
There are friends who used to be best friends.
Now we talk only on birthdays.
There are friends who I thought would lose contact.
And even now we speak with each other every week.
Strange world we live in.
Strange memories we have.
I wonder after 10 more years, how much truth will remain in them.

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