February 17, 2012 § Leave a comment
Sometimes I wonder if we only want things that we want, because we see them on tv or read about them. The fact that you think you love me, is it really love that you feel? Or is it just a name given to certain emotion that movies have taught you to feel and want?
Why is it that I can think I am in love with certain person and yet want to be touched by another? Doesn’t that mean there’s nothing called love? Or am I just being emo?
I’m reading this novel right now. And of course, like another other novel these days, there is a sex scene. Two people clinging to each other out of desperation of loneliness. One thinking he’s in love, other just wanting to be touched. It reminds me of me.
Since when I became the person who just wants to be touched and doesn’t want to hear the words. Since when it became more important to be wanted than to want? Why can’t I give in to words and be happy with them? Why do I crave the illicit? When did I become so immoral?
You try to give me words, I throw them back
You try to send me flowers, I close the door
You ask me what’s wrong, I walk out.
And you wait.
Why do you wait?
Why when I can give you nothing?
You seek comfort from me, and I seek it somewhere else.
Ah, the life.
Walk away. Leave me be. Let me be lost for a while.
For til I lose myself, I won’t find myself again.
February 14, 2012 § 2 Comments
When I left India, There were plans about February. It was supposed to be my happy ending month. This Valentine was supposed to mean something. But as it is with life, Things change, plan change and then you move one.
I saw someone crying on street today. And was glad it wasn’t me. God knows, I’ve been that girl from past few days. Lashing out at people. Being angry, spiteful, teary-eyed. But today I woke up with a clear head and realized I’m in a right place. So what if plan changed? It’s for my own good. It probably means I’m going to have a better happy ending. I envision myself surrounded by books and fishes in a really big house, which is stocked with dark chocolates and ice-creams. Better, isn’t it?
So, while I do feel little sad and wish my best friend was here, so I could cry at her shoulder, I’m now trying to make amends with people I’ve hurt in past week. Cheering them up. And hoping everyone goes to bed with a smile tonight.
February 8, 2012 § 2 Comments
It started about two weeks back. One of our family friend’s son got married, and of course that depressed my mother. And like a true mother, she decided to take me to the task. So we had our first fight in a long time. It ended up in both being in tears. I understand her reasons. She’s being described as a bad mother by most of our relatives including my grand-mother for having such children. One married against family’s wishes and doesn’t visit them anymore. Other remains a spinster and has moved to a different country altogether. I should’ve been patient with her, But I wasn’t. I hated being blamed for doing what I think is right. And I hated the fact that I have to bear the brunt of anger towards my brother as well. I spent evening mostly being depressed about being such a disappointment as a daughter. Luckily it got better a day later. Scars were there, but healing.
Til it happened again last night. I tried to tell her that she shouldn’t say things like this. I knew she was hurting due to my brother’s recent lack of calls to her. He has always been her star and she can’t stand not talking to him. So we hurled words that we didn’t mean. We shed tears and stopped talking to each other again.
Now, no matter how much I try to understand it, I cannot grasp the concept of their happiness being related to my marital status. More so, because it’s always prompted by snide remarks of the relatives. Why do these relatives worry so much about my life? I know they don’t care about me. I doubt if anyone would give me their kidney, if required? So Why? Why as an Indian Society, we are so obsessed with marriages? Why does something has to be wrong with the girl and her up-bringing if she chooses to wait for her mr. right?
It’s not that I do no want to get married. I will. Maybe. Or maybe not. But whatever it will be, it will be on my own terms. I refuse to be tied by chains of tradition. Yes, it makes me depressed. Yes, it is the reason for my recent anxiety comeback. Yes, I end up in tears half the time. Yes, I feel guilty and responsible. But you know what? Even after all this, I refuse to give up. My life is not a game where you can place me anywhere as a pawn. If I have to spend rest of my life as a pariah, I will. If it means I die alone, surrounded by fishes, Let it be. At least it will be on my own terms and world can suck it.
February 7, 2012 § 2 Comments
We like to believe that there’s nothing wrong with us. Esp when it comes down to mental health. We pretend we are ok, sometimes we lie that we are ok, sometimes we ignore if we are not ok. Once in a while, sense kicks in and we seek help. Friends, Family and Medical Professionals. I’ve mentioned before how rarely we actually reach out for professional help. And for what reason? Nothing, but because we look down upon people who need professional help.
I’ve personally struggled with anxiety for years. I’ve been on medication, off medication. Been alright for years, have had panic attacks, been hospitalized for it, have scared friends and family at times. And it’s a fact I’ve kept hidden from most people. Because it’s shameful to admit you might have a mental health related problem. And one time when I did admit, my then BF broke up with me saying he couldn’t handle any other episode of my panic attack. So here we are. You have a problem, but you hide it. You feel bad about it. You lie about it. Not realizing, all this might be just adding on the stress, which in turn propagates your problem.
So finally you decide to be brave and open about it. Which is kinda funny, because let’s face it, it’s really not that serious a problem til of course, you are in a hospital unable to breathe. So when this week, I found myself at edge again, I decided to be smart and went back on my medication. (Which is what my last GP recommended). And I found myself talking to a good friend about life and situations and the fact I’m back on medication. Reaction was not what I expected. He wants me to go off them. Because they are not healthy. And I can see his point.
Most people are afraid of any medication that has to do with anxiety or depression. They see it as a pathway to new addiction. In some cases, it might be very much true. But here’s a thing, if someone is struggling with depression or anxiety, don’t ever tell them to stop medication. Nobody likes to have a pill control their life. We all are trying our very best to be normal, or as normal as one can be. Sometimes we need help, sometimes a crutch. And if we are lucky, we get out of it alive, unscathed.
So I might be most happy-go-lucky girl you know, but sometimes I visit dark places. Don’t try to judge me too badly about it. I’m holding on the railing and hopefully will be out soon.
February 5, 2012 § 2 Comments
You know how sometimes a random thought or memory just hits you in the gut. Like it wants to burst forth. No matter what you were doing, you are seized by this memory and transported to another time. It goes away in a while, leaving you in present, hugging yourself, trying to brave out the pain. What do you do when that happens?
Here I was, enjoying my Sunday, reading latest Murakami and all of a sudden I was reminded of something very precious to me. Why and how, I don’t understand. I just want this memory to go away.
Our brains are such brilliant things. They retain the information they need and block out the rest. One of the things that I’m really good at is Blocking memories. Oh yes, I do remember the past and I do cry over it. But anything which is stronger than my tears is blocked. For e.g. Inappropriate touches that I faced as a child are a distant memory. They come back once in a while, but most of the times I don’t remember any of it. Teenage issues with my family. Nothing. I know there was something, but I can never reach it. Which is good in a way. I know one should remember the past to learn from it. But why remember anything that traumatizes you. No wonder I always get alcohol amnesia and sometimes even medicinal one.
Similarly I think I did block out most of my relationship with A. More from self-preservation point of view. Breaking up and being in new city was painful enough, had I remembered everything, I can imagine myself doing something crazy. So while I miss those few days we had, I have conveniently omitted lot of stuff from them. Imagine my surprise and pain, when I remembered that he holds my most precious souvenir from travels. Of course, I did gift it to him. Of course, I have no right to even mention it. Of course, it’s not like I don’t have any of his stuff. But, It’s just one of those things. I always kept it close, waiting for the day I will have my own house and have it on display. Even, by gifting it to him, in my twisted mind, I was just changing its residence for few months. After all, once we get our happy ending, everything would be ours together. Then, things went haywire and I never thought about it, til today. Which makes me sad and wistful and bit angry. And I really need to yell. Or maybe lose myself in something or someone.
I’m trying to be strong this time. Not give in to the pain. If I can’t manage it, there are always pills to rely on.
February 3, 2012 § Leave a comment
Memories of your touch are fading.
I no longer stare at the ceiling wondering what happened.
Your name doesn’t make me angry anymore.
I do not wear your scent and miss the warmth.
Does it mean that our love was false?
Promises of undying and forever were just a lie.
Or is it that I have finally accepted my fate?
Years of pain and suffering have finally caught up to me.
This indifference scares me.
For I knew nothing, but to love you or hate you.
There’s an emptiness now.
And no touch seems to fill it.
I look around, I wrap myself in stranger’s arms, I just want to feel, Feel the passion again.
As the night draws to close, I lose the struggle and let the emptiness take over.
I really wanted to feel, I try to say.
But all that comes out is a cold breath.
I should hate you for this.
Hate you for this ici-ness.
But sadly, I don’t feel anymore.
neither the love, nor the hate.
December 1, 2011 § 5 Comments
All in a Day-
Queensland passed legislation for civil Unions. A great day for Equal Rights.
Afganistan punishing women for trying to avoid Domestic Violence. A defeat for Humanity.
India discarding safety and still going ahead with Nuclear plans. Another nail in the coffin of environment and people.
And me, wondering when will this all end?
And then a fleeting memory of me arguing passionately about some issue like this and you teasing me with same passion about being wrong.
Some days are just too long.