Well done, Universe

May 7, 2013 § 5 Comments

This easter I got engaged. Exciting, Yes? It would be easier to think that all I have done since then is to celebrate. I did celebrate. For a week.

Then things started to go wrong. Fiancé got sick and wouldn’t get better. This led to tests. Tests led to spinal surgery. Few nights at the hospital and all was well. Or so we thought. Last week, during his doctor’s appointment, we found out that he has cancer and he need to have treatment asap. I think I went into some sort of semi-coma. We were there to hear everything was alright. He was doing so well after the surgery. We were not ready to hear bad news. ‘Take it away’, I wanted to scream. We held each other and came home. I wanted to be angry at him. At me. At the doctors. For two nights, I cried myself to sleep. While he, who in fact is the patient, held me and wiped my tears. I walked around feeling like a zombie. Then somehow we got back to our routine life. Planning wedding. Reception. Engagement Party. All the frivolous stuff.

Sometimes everything is normal. We are planning holidays, watching movies, just being us. Then you are given this bad news. You wonder if it’s some sort of punishment? Is it because I’m not a big believer in god? Is it because we were being too happy? Are we jinxed somehow? Did someone curse us? You sit there and come up with all sorts of stupid reasons. Because this f***** doesn’t make sense.

I should be grateful for all the support from family, work, and friends. I’m not. I don’t want to be. Because I don’t want to be in this situation. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t want to talk about it. How does one deal with such feelings of helplessness?

His chemo starts next week. We don’t know if it’ll work. No one knows. We also booked our reception venue.

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§ 5 Responses to Well done, Universe

  • tashu says:

    Hi , I just stumbled here

    • tashu says:

      Somehow posted without completing.

      But I try again.

      Hi , I just stumbled here while lookin for something else. Having been through what you describe , I just wanted to reach out to you and give you a hug. My Fiance and I were engaged maybe a few months, were deliriously happy when one day just like that the word ‘cancer’ became a part of our lives.
      But in our case I was the one who got it. Noone expects to get it so young. ( I was 30) This was in May , last year. And I understand the uncertainty, the questioning of why, why me, why us, the fear, the wondering if it was karma, the feeling of hating other people who cant ‘get’ it… everything.

      I dont know the details of his cancer, but modern medicine does have the power to work minor miracles. So don’t lose heart. Stay strong for you and for him.

      Ask for help. Dont try to do everything yourself. Ask friends to cook, shop for groceries, send emails.
      Theres this little organisation that sends you little cards and stuff to keep you cheery … you could sign him up for it.

      http://www.chemoangels.net/

      • Another Dreamer says:

        Thank you. We have been very lucky with our family and friends. It does become easy with all the support.
        I hope you are doing well now.

  • suudhan says:

    Hi Sonika,
    Came here after a long time; and very sad to see this post. More power to you and your fiance. Beat the heck out of cancer.

  • Hug. A big, tight one.

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