Well done, Universe
May 7, 2013 § 5 Comments
This easter I got engaged. Exciting, Yes? It would be easier to think that all I have done since then is to celebrate. I did celebrate. For a week.
Then things started to go wrong. Fiancé got sick and wouldn’t get better. This led to tests. Tests led to spinal surgery. Few nights at the hospital and all was well. Or so we thought. Last week, during his doctor’s appointment, we found out that he has cancer and he need to have treatment asap. I think I went into some sort of semi-coma. We were there to hear everything was alright. He was doing so well after the surgery. We were not ready to hear bad news. ‘Take it away’, I wanted to scream. We held each other and came home. I wanted to be angry at him. At me. At the doctors. For two nights, I cried myself to sleep. While he, who in fact is the patient, held me and wiped my tears. I walked around feeling like a zombie. Then somehow we got back to our routine life. Planning wedding. Reception. Engagement Party. All the frivolous stuff.
Sometimes everything is normal. We are planning holidays, watching movies, just being us. Then you are given this bad news. You wonder if it’s some sort of punishment? Is it because I’m not a big believer in god? Is it because we were being too happy? Are we jinxed somehow? Did someone curse us? You sit there and come up with all sorts of stupid reasons. Because this f***** doesn’t make sense.
I should be grateful for all the support from family, work, and friends. I’m not. I don’t want to be. Because I don’t want to be in this situation. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t want to talk about it. How does one deal with such feelings of helplessness?
His chemo starts next week. We don’t know if it’ll work. No one knows. We also booked our reception venue.