The Coward Me

August 4, 2010 § 7 Comments

I portray a nice image out there. I’m the strong confident woman who’s much at peace with her life.
Is it really true?
I’m a coward at heart. I cannot really venture out in unknown. I can go to all the places in world without any idea of what’s in store for me. But I cannot take paths in life which have any amount of uncertainty.
I like to pretend I’m such an idealist. But in reality, I can never quit everything and go to the basics. I admire the people who do, yet I sit in a comfortable AC office and write this.
I dream of alternative careers but because I know I might fail in them, I refuse to try them.
In my professional life, I can never go and discuss with my superiors when I feel they are not acknowledging my work. I can’t even ask for a raise. And to think, I can argue with almost anyone on street.
In my personal life, I prefer dating people with whom I know I’ll never end up. And if by some sheer chance, I meet a person, I might end up, I make sure they see a exaggerated mean/whiny/bitchy side of me, so they don’t want to end up with me. It’s not that I don’t want to commit. It’s the fear of unknown.

Now that I’ve figured out the pattern, next step is to remedy this issue.
Let’s see if I can manage something.

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§ 7 Responses to The Coward Me

  • Eric Wilde says:

    Welcome to life. We are never what we think we should be. We are only human.

    I wasn’t at peace with myself until I was a few years older than you are today. It took a big leap, a dramatic change in my life, to finally come to grips with myself. It took finding the one thing that was really bogging me down and forcefully, painfully cutting it out. It was hard. It still hurts. I hurt others by doing it; but, in the end I’m much better off in many ways. Of course, I still have my problems – like a never ending battle with substance abuse.

    Now what is it you really want to change. Asking for a raise is a small thing. Changing your career is harder. Making a break with your past and your family maybe hardest of all. But I promise you, if you do that one thing you really need to do then your confidence will come. Whether you succeed or fail, your confidence will come.

    I have a good friend who has been out of work for years now. He’s lived on the street. As a forty-year-old man he had to swallow his pride and move back in with his parents. He’s now just barely subsisting in his own apartment. He made a career choice and he failed at it. But he’s more comfortable with himself than I’ve seen of many other people.

    For me, the leap was to divorce my first wife. I love her dearly to this day; but, I had to get away. I still feel pain and know I’ve caused her lots of pain. I have to live with my own actions. Coming to terms with the need to divorce and with myself for actually causing it to occur was a long a difficult journey taht took years.

    What is it you need to do? Come out? Move far away? Become an ascetic (ahem, you know my opinion on this one. 🙂 )

    I wish you had said this at dinner last night. It would have been a very interesting and lively discussion.

    Lastly, thanks for spending some time together this past week. It was nice to see you again.

    • Another Dreamer says:

      I think that’s the problem I have. Still figuring out what do I need to do. Moving Far away seems to be obvious choice right now, but you never know.
      Yeah, it would’ve made good dinner conversation. maybe next time you are here, we’ll broach it.
      It was good to see you too. Hope you feeling better now.

    • Cinderella says:

      The paragon of undesrtniadng these issues is right here!

  • billyboneshaker says:

    you are hereby declared ineligible to travel on Tardis… 😛

  • earthwire says:

    Feels like you are talking about me!!!

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