Bridal Blues

45 days til I get married.

Last time I posted, it was about the Cancer news. S has been dealing well with it. There was a bit of hiccup on the way when we were told chemo wasn’t working as expected. So new treatment and life goes on. 

Isn’t it amazing that amidst all, the thing that I stress most about is our wedding? It’s going to be a intercultural wedding. West meets Indian. And we are not there to plan it. Though it’s been good for us. My parents have been taking care of everything, involving us in decisions and then doing what they want to do. Yup, instead of me being bride-zilla, we have my parents doing that. The hardest part was when my mother announced that she has ordered my wedding dress. I almost had a melt-down. After few heated Skype conversations, few mails to the designer and we have it sorted now.

So, all we have to do is show up, finish off the shopping and voila, married. 

 

Well done, Universe

This easter I got engaged. Exciting, Yes? It would be easier to think that all I have done since then is to celebrate. I did celebrate. For a week.

Then things started to go wrong. Fiancé got sick and wouldn’t get better. This led to tests. Tests led to spinal surgery. Few nights at the hospital and all was well. Or so we thought. Last week, during his doctor’s appointment, we found out that he has cancer and he need to have treatment asap. I think I went into some sort of semi-coma. We were there to hear everything was alright. He was doing so well after the surgery. We were not ready to hear bad news. ‘Take it away’, I wanted to scream. We held each other and came home. I wanted to be angry at him. At me. At the doctors. For two nights, I cried myself to sleep. While he, who in fact is the patient, held me and wiped my tears. I walked around feeling like a zombie. Then somehow we got back to our routine life. Planning wedding. Reception. Engagement Party. All the frivolous stuff.

Sometimes everything is normal. We are planning holidays, watching movies, just being us. Then you are given this bad news. You wonder if it’s some sort of punishment? Is it because I’m not a big believer in god? Is it because we were being too happy? Are we jinxed somehow? Did someone curse us? You sit there and come up with all sorts of stupid reasons. Because this f***** doesn’t make sense.

I should be grateful for all the support from family, work, and friends. I’m not. I don’t want to be. Because I don’t want to be in this situation. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t want to talk about it. How does one deal with such feelings of helplessness?

His chemo starts next week. We don’t know if it’ll work. No one knows. We also booked our reception venue.

New hopes, New dreams

It’s been a year and half since I moved to Melbourne. In this brief time, I have seen heartbreak, loneliness, challenges, joy, adventures, love and so much more. 

I spent years trying to break out from the mold set out for me. I did. Successfully and Happily,  not without its casualties though. I would never know if it was this rebel that led to heartbreak, or something else. I continue to be a disappointing child. In fact, I have raised the level of disappointment by falling in love with the most inappropriate boy. But I’m happy. I guess that’s the cost you pay.

I spent new year’s eve in a Temple at Kyoto. It wasn’t peaceful at all, contrary to what you might think. However I was surrounded by love. That makes me happy. 

I’ve thinking of new challenges. I’ll be finishing my Psych Diploma this year. And I don’t want to pursue it further. Mostly because I have found new dreams. They mostly include more travel. I haven’t been to the other side of the world. I need to see it all. It’s on the recent trip to Japan I realized that traveling is the only thing I want to do, apart from reading books all day. So Work, Save and Travel it’s going to be. With a mortgage somehow 🙂

Long Due Post

It’s been a while since I last blogged. It’s not that I didn’t want to blog all this while. I have all these posts sitting in the draft folder that never saw light of the day. 

So what have I been up to? 

I went to Tasmania in June. I visited family in India in June/July. I’m going to Japan in December.

I’ve more than enough responsibilities at work. I don’t understand why people want to get in the management. It’s just pain in ass. Keeping track of what other people are doing just gives you less time to do what you want to do. Anyway, Work’s been ok.

I might be failing this semester, or not. Exams next week, if I get time to study… Ah well. Never mind. It’s still fun though.

I’ve moved out on my own. While it’s lonelier, it’s also more fun. I like my new place. I get to decorate it the way I want. It’s fun. 

Overall, it’s a good life. There are still people who are really annoying. But then again, what can we do about them except to shoot them, maybe?

The Hill by Rupert Brooke

Breathless, we flung us on the windy hill,
   Laughed in the sun, and kissed the lovely grass.
   You said, “Through glory and ecstasy we pass;
Wind, sun, and earth remain, the birds sing still,
When we are old, are old… .” “And when we die
   All’s over that is ours; and life burns on
Through other lovers, other lips,” said I,
—-“Heart of my heart, our heaven is now, is won!”

“We are Earth’s best, that learnt her lesson here.
   Life is our cry. We have kept the faith!” we said;
   ”We shall go down with unreluctant tread
Rose-crowned into the darkness!” … Proud we were,
And laughed, that had such brave true things to say.
—-And then you suddenly cried, and turned away.

Nope, Don’t ask me..

..for book recommendations.

I love reading. Everyone knows that. And I love telling people what to do. Most people know this too. But I really don’t appreciate being asked for book recommendations. Not because I don’t want you to read good books, Oh No. If I see you reading CB book, my first reaction is definitely to recommend a better book (well, any book to be honest). But because, I find it annoying. Here’s the list why it is annoying

• I don’t know what you like. Books are like perfume oils. Same perfume oil smells differently on different people. Some like it. some hate it. So while I might like certain book, you might not.
• Fact that you do not have a long TBR (to-be-read) list makes me wonder about your reading habits.
• I have a bad memory recollection. Even though I love a certain book, I won’t be able to recall its name.
• Joy of discovering new books. I want you to feel it. Whether it’s by browsing an online site/blog/twitter, you come across an awesome book or by looking at it in a bookseller’s shop. Or better in a garage sale or second-hand bookshop. Nothing beats this joy.
• You really do not want to move out of your comfort zone. You have a favorite genre, you want to stick with it. I read 5 different genres at any given point. How am I supposed to know what you like?
• If I liked you enough, I would’ve gifted you a book already which would be my recommendation.

That said, Some of my favorite books are recommendations by friends (few were actually forced on me, some were gifted)
So best solution is go on goodreads, perv on your friend’s reading lists. Join groups/book clubs. Read reviews. Because when you don’t like something recommended by a booknerd, God kills a kitten. Do not put God in such a position.

You want a Men’s Day, Go ahead

Every second day, there is at least one post on facebook disparaging women, usually in form of jokes. Some are funny, some are not. But always there, in your face. Then on International Women’s Day, the number of such posts multiplies. There are few about how there is no men’s day or some way of saying men have it worse. It pisses me off. Yes, it’s a joke. I get it. But do you get it? It’s the jokes like this which keeps sexism alive. It’s your funny comment which keeps problems faced by women under wraps or be made trivialized.
You want a men’s day. Go ahead, Have it. I just want to be safe. Promise me there will be no rape. Promise me I won’t be beaten up by my boyfriend or husband. Promise me I won’t be killed in the womb itself, just because I’m a girl. Promise me I won’t be patronized at work because of my gender.
You can’t promise any of this. All you can do is to show me the respect I deserve. So how about you start showing it? Humor is good, humor is fun. But when humor leads to more stereotyping, maybe you need better subjects/topics.
As a woman, I don’t want an International Women’s Day. I don’t want reservations. I don’t want any special treatment. I feel sad that we still need to have it. All I ask is for equality. Ability to lead my life as I choose to. Be treated with respect. Is it really so much to ask?

Playing Tag

Tag time. I was tagged by An Avenue to Vent, thank you!!
–
Rules:

1. You must post the rules.
2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

–

Here are the answers set by An Avenue to Vent:
1. Did you ever imagine your life would turn out the way it is right now?
No. And I’m glad it didn’t.

2. How do you drink your coffee?
Long Black with Half water/Half skinny Milk (Yes, I drive new baristas mad)

3. Why did you start your blog?
No Idea. If I count my old blog (which was deleted few years back), I’ve been now blogging for almost 7-8 yrs. Whoa.

4. There was once a moment when you thought “damn I should’ve done that!” What was that moment?
Every day.
Each time, I see an amazing painting, I wish I had taken time to focus on painting when I wasn’t very bad at it. Same goes for almost everything creative.
Also, whenever I see Indiana Jones, I go “Damn, I should’ve done a degree in Archaeology”

5. If I wrote you a cheque for $1 million, how would you spend it?
Books, Makeup, Food, House, Uni fee for next 10 years, World Travel (And then if something is left, I’ll give it away or maybe open up few schools/libraries in India)

6. Where in the world do you want to be right now?
Now this is a question that I always answer with “Beach”. But honestly, While I do want to take a vacation on a beach, I would not be anywhere else but in this city at the moment.

7. Who was your first kiss?
My first boyfriend from high-school days.

8. Past-time?
Books, Movies, sitcoms, bars, Library, coffee shops, embroidery, Camera (Whatever takes my fancy)

9. What’s one thing you can’t live with out?
Books.

10. Where will you be in your life in 5 years?
Hopefully still in Melbourne, with life in a decisive direction.

11. Have the last ten questions made you ponder about your life?
Yes. Little bit. I’m still surprised that I don’t want to be anywhere else. That’s a sign of content life. Weird.

Now, Tagging time. Feel free to consider yourself tagged. I’m going to tag only 3 people in particular. (Oh, If you did do the tag, let me know)
ewildebeast
naarya
sh00nya

Q1. If you could have any author to write your life story, who would it be?
Q2. What will you save in event of fire – Books, DVDs, Musical instruments, Clothes, Shoes?
Q3. If life gives you oranges…
Q4. If given a chance, would you live your life differently?
Q5. Regrets or Experiences?
Q6. Define Politics in one word.
Q7. Would you rather give money to charity or volunteer?
Q8. Do you ever wonder about existence of god/gods?
Q9. Would you rather keep quiet and have peace or speak up your mind and have an argument?
Q10.Are you planning your next vacation? To where?
Q11.What is it that you wish for right now?

Sometimes you do need the kick in the butt

Yes, you do.
And Sometimes you need to let go of things from past, before you can grab new ones.

Few days back, I was miserable. I was lonely. I was stressed. And to top it all, someone I thought of as a friend made me feel bad. I think it was that incident with so-called friend, which was my kick in the butt. I got up, took stock of situation. RSVP’d yes to almost all the invites I had received. And look where it got me.
I’ve been having absolute ball of time from past two weeks. Weekend getaways, Friday nights where drinks result in bit of pub crawl, movie nights, winery tour, more boardgames, more movies. It’s been a fun time. Very little rest, but fun nonetheless. And I have been meeting most wonderful people along the way.
Now here’s the thing, I wouldn’t have accepted some of these people in my life, if not for that kick in the butt. I was lonely and I decided not to be. And how wonderful it is.

Moral of the story is ‘Doesn’t matter if life gives you lemons, you can always use it with tequila’. No, that’s not it. It is ‘Sometimes you need to let go of pre-conceived notions in head, and let other people in’

In my demented view, some people weren’t worth the effort due to age/interests/other factors. And now I’m just glad I did make an effort.

Sharing Happiness

Have you noticed how we always share our woes and pain, but rarely the happiness? (Ok, I *do* that). So I thought why not post when I’m relatively happy (Ok, nauseatingly).
I’ve been feeling better since last weekend. Been off the anxiety pills. Yay for me. Clearly Board games were a good influence and yes, that weekend was lot of fun and much-needed.
In the past week, I
– Saw Alain de Botton. So awesome. Another author to fan over.
– Went to 4 different places in one night. Yes, I’m young again.
– Went to Wine and Paella tasting at a winery. If it wasn’t for the heat, it would’ve been a highlight of the month. But free Sangria bottle more or less makes up for it.
– Slept for 12 hours. Beat that.
– Finished reading 5 books and saw so much TV.
– Met some awesome people.
– Also met old friends. And have started a new tradition with 2 friends that we’ll definitely do monthly lunch/coffee if nothing else.
– Not to mention, No hangover after whole night of G&T. I’m never drinking anything else again.

Clearly, my happy mood brings happy situations and happy people in my life. Uni starts from tomorrow. So excited about that. Will start stressing about essays and lab reports from next week.